1-27-2026

I’ve been very confused in general lately. I think I’m just in my 20s.

I’m in such a strange phase right now. I have literally nothing to do until I move. And then all I’ll have to do is getting a job, since I can’t go back to school right away (I have to establish residency in Oregon).

I just feel like there’s something missing and I don’t know what it is. I’ve been under the impression that I’m just bored because there’s nothing to do where I currently live, and that my problems will be solved once I move to a more interesting place. But that can’t be all it is, right? What if all I’m seeking there is distraction from an elusive problem I need to find via self discovery?

And I can’t just spend the next 5 months waiting to move. I need to do something to help me right now. But I have no clue what that is, especially since I don’t really know what the problem is.

I really just have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing with my time the next 5 months. The bulk of my time for the past few months or so has been spent thinking about moving or thinking about my life in general. And I keep running out of things to think about in that area. I can’t keep thinking about life, I have to actually live it, right? But how do I even do that? Is it that there’s some sort of self discovery I need to do, or do I just need to experience things? And if it’s the latter, how do I do that without any experiences to be had in my current situation?

I can’t go to school, I can’t get a job, and there’s nothing else to do where I live. So how do I make my life fulfilling without any of that? I have no fucking clue.

Maybe my therapist can help? I have an appointment with her in less than a week.

I keep trying to write and stuff but I constantly feel like I have nothing to write about because I haven’t had enough experiences in life. I never know what to write about when I try. I occasionally have ideas, but they never click with me. I suppose this is writing, so it’s good that I’m doing this. But it’s annoying to only be able to write about myself being bored, especially when what I really want to write is fiction.

I’m just so fucking bored. Not waiting room bored, like pacing in my room either thinking about my future or this one guy who never liked me back because I have no clue what else to think about bored. And I have no clue what to do about it. I can’t even really tell what the problem is. Is it depression? Loneliness? Is it genuinely that I just don’t have anything to do, or is there something wrong with me that I’m not getting?

Last time I felt like this was the pandemic, I think. Or really just breaks from school in general. Every time I’m not regularly going to school I start to get like this. So maybe it is just loneliness. But if it’s loneliness, then why does hanging out with friends and family never help? Why have I only felt a reprieve from this when I start going to in-person classes? Is it just masking some sort of other problem deep down?

I’m sorry for having such an existential crisis in a blog post on a NeoCities site. But this is all I can seem to think about, and it’s all I can write about as a result. And I do really want to write, even if it’s this.